chasing circle

i know this is unfair
and i'm not trying to look down on anyone in particular

but sometimes, it's so frustrating talking to some people
some ppl seem to just lack emotion, empathy,
they don't know how to carry a deep conversation,
they don't have the ability to listen, to relate

and sometimes, i confide, hoping maybe they'll be a listening ear
understand
but really i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall with the information bouncing back to me.

or maybe i just have high expectations
maybe i just want ppl to give back the same love, same affection that i try so hard to do for people
friendship isn't a `you give me, i give you' kinda deal,
but when you're always the one giving and giving away, your mind, your soul, your heart,
isn't it only fair that they at least put the little effort into it too? so i'm not just sitting here my heart turning bitter cold and alone? that maybe i want to know what it's like to feel appreciated? loved?

i feel this way with chicago. why is it that this place gives me nothing but cold weather and shallow friendships?
for some people, they love their friendships [though it's shallow]. it doesn't seem to bother them cuz they have this circle of friends. some people are satisfied. what about people like me? who don't care about gossiping, the status of their friendships, who don't give a dmn about posting 573845 pictures of you and your friends on facebook, who wants to find that core in a friendship, develop something deeper? i would trade ALLLL the friends i had in the world for just a few that i can call any day, bum together, sit together in silence and be okay with it, have a sizzling convo about life, god, good stuff.
i feel like such a roamer. who bounces from one group to another.

i had the grand opportunity to taste a bit of genuine affection and friendship at calvin. i was able to find even more at greenville. and i still proudly keep in touch with them. what is it about chicago? is it me? did i screw up?
and i watch everyone as they post away pictures of their lives at college, their bajillion friends that seem to make them secure and happy. crowded pictures, all smiles, convincing the observer that they are popular and content as long as these plp are in it with them. are you really happy? or do you feel the same?

chicago holds nothing for me.
nothing but bitter pasts and disappointing people.
everyone here is so sheltered and afraid to be independent.
i want to explore, venture out on my own. struggle, learn to survive on my own in the east coast.
maybe the west. maybe out of the country.
i'm ready.

this post wasn't aimed at anyone in particular.. . .
just some personal thoughts that were tugging at my heart forever.
but since nobody reads my blogs anyway, i have the freedom to not shy away at such a
blog. bwuahaha. .. .