Let's take a walk on the darkside.

He woke up with piss and crp everywhere, all over him. The aroma only reminded him of what he's just tried to do. For some reason, God still wanted him alive. I can't even imagine what it must have felt like, waking up three days later, soaked in dried urination and crp, the smell, the coldness, the darkness, most of all, being ALONE. And worst, having no one know and realize what had just happened. 20 Tylenol pills obviously wasn't enough, perhaps he should have tried harder.

Again, alone, feeling the wrath of darkness tightening it's embrace around his heart, he buys a 40 oz. pack of beers. As he gets in the car, he screws off the top off one bottle and lets the beer drown his throat, all the while one hand on the wheel. The one bottle becomes a second, a third, fourth, a fifth. He drives around campus and starts yelling out the window to the people walking by. "Fck you, mother fckers!!!" People just stare back with a look of surprise and pity. He was jealous, angry at these people he's never met. Jaelous for their happiness, bitter at their carefree lives. One hand on wheel and the other on his drink, he proceeds: his destination tonight is to drink like a mother fcker and die like one. He gets on the highway and by this time he's swerving left to right, angry bitter tears running down his face. By now, he's slit his wrists bloody. Blinded by tears, he continues to swerve. Intoxicated? Driving? He doesn't care. He has nothing to lose. He doesn't think about the other people he is putting in danger for his selfish acts. His mission tonight is to die and if that means drinking and wreckless driving, let it be done.
Suddenly the car behind him starts honking at him, trying to get his attention. It repeatedly honks and the driver pulls to the side of his car telling him to pull over. For some reason, he listens. He pulls over and the driver comes out of the car. The crazy one steps out of his car too. "Look, I have no idea what you're going through, but PLEASE, don't kill yourself tonight. Sober up, and just go home." And the crazy driver is silent. He's just crying hysterically now. Drenched with tears, the stench of alcohol penetrating the air, he's just a baby now.
The driver left and the crazy one just stood still for ten minutes then got back into his car.

Is there something not ironic about this? Obviously there is a greater power out there that still wants to protect him. Why? I don't know why. He's pulled many of these attempts yet he fails each time. Is it just a mere coincidence or God in the working? I'm still in awe and disbelief, blessed with the man who had enough courage to pull the drunk aside. He was fully aware that by doing so, he was putting himself in great risk; this drunk can be some violent man who'll just rage against him, attack him. Yet, he had the nerve and heart to pull him aside. To me, that's something. That's an angel. I'd like to believe that.

Well, that crazy driver, the foolish one behind all these stunts, that's my friend. He visited me this weekend. I met him while I was at Calvin College my freshman year. I'll tell ya, his three days here with me in Greenville was the best I've had in a really long time. No, no romantic feelings attached at all. All we did this weekend was talk. Talk before bed,talk in car, talk walking, talk sitting, talk eating. Talk, talk, talk. I have a lot of good guy friends who I can really relate to and have deep intimate relationships with. But it felt different. I just felt this connection, we were able to relate to each other in a way I can't even describe. After he left, I felt an immediate mellowness. I realized that I spent the whole weekend laughing. And I realized, hey, wow. I haven't laughed in a long time. Not those simple "haha's" in response to something. I'm talkin, "hahahah, hahaha, hahaha." And after he was gone it felt weird. I was alone and quiet again. I wasn't laughing at something. I almost felt depressed. As the day went on I felt more mellow and more down. Why was that? I guess I just truly cherished the moment we shared, that intimacy I've been craving for with him I finally got. And then he vanished.

We were never that close, but it was one of those "Oh, I really like this guy, I want to reach out to him, a deeper relationship." The first time I met him was at the church lock-in. We were all gathered around sitting in a circle doing/talking about something I don't remember, when in walked let's call him... "Sam. He walked in mumbling something random and went into the next room. It was nothing unusual or weird, suspicious, but I guess something was wrong because one of the guys got up and went to him. Immediately I felt something was not right. And I know I was the only one in the room who sensed that something was not right. Everyone else was oblivious to it.
Later, after the night was over I found in a dark corner of some steps. His head down on his hands, the only thing I felt right then was a wave of compassion and love for him, as well as sorrow. I made my way towards him, and introduced myself (according to him). I must have said something right though `cause to this day, he tells me how I've shown him love. That my reaching out to him really affected him. The only thing I remember saying to him at the time was something like, "Blabla, I don't know what you're going through, but...God...blablala."
He told me at first he was like, ok, who the heck is this girl, and thought he would get angry, cause normally he would. But with me, it felt different. He really appreciated it. And I'm just so thankful that I was able to be at least that little of a light to him that night.

All weekend he said such flattering things. "You're such a good person."
Remember that night you first talked to me? You were an angel."
"That night." Referring to the lock-in. He was depressed. He was drunk when he made that entrance to the church. It wasn't until this past year I really learned of his past. He's been depressed his whole life-manic depression to be more specific. Manic depression makes him crazy. Ups and downs with all sorts of crazyness. Suicidal attempts, snaps, etc, etc. And it wasn't until `bout half year ago he found out that he was bipolar. Poor child. You know, when one is depressed, people always do the "It's your choice to be sad or happy. It's what you make of life. You're only depressed cuz you spend so much time self-absorbed focusing on all the negative aspects of life." Honestly, that is how I see it and still do to a certain point. But I still believe that it's unfair. Why did God create something like depression? This sick mental disease. Many people overlook depression as something they should just get over with. But it's more than that. It's as much of a disease as leukiemia or cancer. Depression can kill you. It's not fair one feels a constant darkness that he can't pull himself out of. Sure, with God to hold on to and trust one can pull himself right outta that hole. Sure sure miracles, but of course, with God anything is possible. It's still not fair. It's not that easy. What a horrid illness. To want that happiness, hopeless, and not being able to find it.

It makes me sad. That one must go through this. It's the worst feeling, dealing with all this especially alone. I know. I was once depressed. Not "in depression because something triggered it depressed" but "depression." I'm one of the few lucky ones because God has miraculously healed me from this sickness that none knew about. That doesn't mean I don't get depressed. I still can get depressed but only if I have a reason to be. Depression. It really does suck. You feel so invisible, tiny, hopeless, desperate for happiness. Suicide is your cousin and you think of ways to accomplish this evil task.

I don't really know the point of this blog.
All I know, is that I will always have "Sam" in the back of my mind, worrying about his safety, his well-being. Will he ever make it? Fight and fight and finally conquer this sick deathly illness that drives many to suicide? Will he be the few and proud to make it? I guess I will never know. Only the future does. And that's something we shouldn't always dwell on. That itself can be an obsession.

Well, I guess I'll leave it at there for tonight. Oh beloved world, my heart aches and goes out to all those that are hurting. I ache with you. I mourne with you. I wish there was a way that I could reach out to each and everyone of you. But I can't. I just can't. May you all find the peace you've been desperately aching for.