Just alone, again

it's not fair.
i befriended a guy. who is not "a christian."
being "a christian," i wanted to reach out to him. i saw so much potential in him to love god.
he loves information, thirsts for answers. so bright and intelligent. he is hungry for information on anything. the way he talks about music, life, nature.
we started hanging out and talking a bit. just a bit.
we would engage in deep conversations all the time. he is deep. i am deep.

then few nights ago he told me he liked me by accident. (i'm not sure if he was high.. or intoxicated..). honestly it caught me by surprise. i think he just started to.
he asked about my feelings. and i was honest with my answer, "you never crossed my mind, nor do i think i will ever in the future." i was nice about it.

and it's not fair.
i cherish him as a friend a lot.
but he's been avoiding my calls and texts.
but it's nothing serious, he said it's just a crush.
why is he avoiding me then?
it hurts.
it's not fair.
i'm not sure how "rejected" he feels.
he's a real nice fella, so him avoiding me makes me feel more like crap.
it's not fair.
is he ever gonna come around again?
i miss his friendship.

i feel so alone.
good friends betrayed me.
and i have no one.
he was at least something. just a little something to look forward to.

shoot, this sucks.

life sucks huh, but life is still beautiful i guess!!!

ohhh deary
i'm feelin it again
i hate myself
eveyrthing about me
i feel uninspired with music
my music sucks
it's so boring

life is hard
ohhh is it hard!
and not for stoopid problems
but like SIA says, "some plp have real problems!!!"
and heck, i am your epitome of just that.

baggage
lots of it
what to do, i have noo idEaaa
just soak it and keep on walkin
but ohh i'm not sure i can keep up with the pace
i keep it quiet,bite my tongue
repress the tears to feel macho
am i bein real? what is real anyway?

oh dear my
god, help me survive this
this cruel battle/battles
help me to come out of this in victory

and all i can say at times like this is
ohhhhhhhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

chasing circle

i know this is unfair
and i'm not trying to look down on anyone in particular

but sometimes, it's so frustrating talking to some people
some ppl seem to just lack emotion, empathy,
they don't know how to carry a deep conversation,
they don't have the ability to listen, to relate

and sometimes, i confide, hoping maybe they'll be a listening ear
understand
but really i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall with the information bouncing back to me.

or maybe i just have high expectations
maybe i just want ppl to give back the same love, same affection that i try so hard to do for people
friendship isn't a `you give me, i give you' kinda deal,
but when you're always the one giving and giving away, your mind, your soul, your heart,
isn't it only fair that they at least put the little effort into it too? so i'm not just sitting here my heart turning bitter cold and alone? that maybe i want to know what it's like to feel appreciated? loved?

i feel this way with chicago. why is it that this place gives me nothing but cold weather and shallow friendships?
for some people, they love their friendships [though it's shallow]. it doesn't seem to bother them cuz they have this circle of friends. some people are satisfied. what about people like me? who don't care about gossiping, the status of their friendships, who don't give a dmn about posting 573845 pictures of you and your friends on facebook, who wants to find that core in a friendship, develop something deeper? i would trade ALLLL the friends i had in the world for just a few that i can call any day, bum together, sit together in silence and be okay with it, have a sizzling convo about life, god, good stuff.
i feel like such a roamer. who bounces from one group to another.

i had the grand opportunity to taste a bit of genuine affection and friendship at calvin. i was able to find even more at greenville. and i still proudly keep in touch with them. what is it about chicago? is it me? did i screw up?
and i watch everyone as they post away pictures of their lives at college, their bajillion friends that seem to make them secure and happy. crowded pictures, all smiles, convincing the observer that they are popular and content as long as these plp are in it with them. are you really happy? or do you feel the same?

chicago holds nothing for me.
nothing but bitter pasts and disappointing people.
everyone here is so sheltered and afraid to be independent.
i want to explore, venture out on my own. struggle, learn to survive on my own in the east coast.
maybe the west. maybe out of the country.
i'm ready.

this post wasn't aimed at anyone in particular.. . .
just some personal thoughts that were tugging at my heart forever.
but since nobody reads my blogs anyway, i have the freedom to not shy away at such a
blog. bwuahaha. .. .

first attempt at a goth poem

screw rhyming and lines and structures and rules


beneath this layer of soft golden skin
lies a heart
that's been stolen and bruised
the once vibrant shade of rose is now
a charcoal grey with tiny specks of pink
those drowning specks look for each other
there's not much time left
they stretch their arms out toward one another
trying to spread any color left over
to try and save this dying heart
and while the demons of the heart fight with the few but hopeful specks

these twinkling eyes carry a deep deep dark secret
that is being drowned by the callouses of the heart
and every time the mind plays the repressing games
the heart shrinks even tighter and smaller

don't let these eyes fool you
they're screaming for your attention
for you to understand and to listen to the stories of a broken heart
desperate for love
dying for peace

this is my dying heart
this is my war
this is the blood in me screaming for liberty

and no one can set me free
except for myself:

the single most important ingredient to healing the soul

all it takes is a cup of forgiveness

poems

Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
--------------

Mirror by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful --
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.