Dear God,
I'm trying, I've been trying.
People say I'm just infatuated with him, but I think it's more than that. I thought I moved on, I really did. I really did love him. I think I still do. Maybe I have moved on and what's left are the memories and the attachments, infatuation? It's not fair God. It's not fair. I've lived what I thought was an obedient life, patient, pure. It isn't fair, it's not right for him to have taken advantage of me, my innocent heart. I really don't think I deserve any of this heartbreak. God, I really thought we had a future together. I thought he was a blessing from you, from mom. I know that mom would have loved him as a future son-in-law.
God, I prayed and prayed. Never anything selfish, but always trusting in you and letting your will be done. Was it never part of your will then? Should I fight for it? Let it go? If it is part of your plan no matter the obstacles will you bring us together? I'm sorry God but I'm not sure I believe in that kind of stuff. I don't believe in the perfect one anymore. I don't know God. I'm sorry to feel all jaded on Love, I know that makes you sad. Love, one of the greatest gifts from you. Something you'd love to see happen with all of us.
God, let your will be done. I've always said it, and I won't ever stop. But please God, if this isn't part of your will, please show me God. I've asked you a thousand times to show me a sign, something, anything that will show me it's not part of your amazing plan for me. But I'm not sure I've gotten it yet. Please God, show me something. I'm desperate to move on and to let go. My hurts to be healed. All attachments loose. Gone away. This is my prayer God, my prayer to you. I am sorry I've been so consumed in this whole mess. This sick love that's destracting me from chasing after you, pursuing you. Glorifying you, praising you, loving you. This love is weighing me down, narrowing my perspectives, disillusioned with love. Jaded.
Forgive me Father for my selfish ways and purify my heart. Help me to be that lady of virtue, of integrity. Help me to love you. Sometimes though, it's hard to grasp you-living in the tangible world we live in now.
Father, I know you love me so much. No matter how low I am in life, how far I distance myself from you, I know that I am blessed with your grace. Your grace renews my heart, your grace loves me all over again. Your grace teaches me to love. Thank you.
Well it's getting pretty late. I should go now. Thank you for always listening to me, your weak, selfish, daughter. I'm in need of so much grace. Thank you, and thank you. In all things, I pray in Jesus name, Amen.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Left of you in me
Left of you in me
Verse1
Sometimes I cry when I think of you
They think I’ve moved on
But if they only knew
Your pictures I hold on tight to
Squeezing whatever memories
I have left of you
And I look in the mirror and try to see
What’s left of you in me
…..Do they see it??
Can you see it, can you feel it
When I do the things I do
Can you see her, can you feel it
She’s living inside of me
I try to hear your voice calling out my name
I miss you mom
That’s all I can say
And I’ll fight back the tears
Doing whatever I can
To always remember your face
And I look in the mirror and try to see
What’s left of you in me
…..Do they see it??
Oh the sun will rise, the sun will set
The years go by, the tears grow faint
Time will catch up for my rest
Then will I see you…
Then will I see you…
Can you see it, can you feel it
When I do the things I do
Can you see her, can you feel it
She’s living inside of me
What’s left of you in me...
Monday, August 20, 2007
If only
It's been about a year and 5 months since my mom passed away. Yet she still dwells in my thoughts, her scent still fresh on the tips of my nose, her voice just a memory away. I ache for her touch, I crave for the warmth in her heart, to cuddle with her in bed. I miss the memories of me complaining about my ugly feet hands and nose and her quickness in defending and scolding me,
"No Sarah, they're beautiful!"
"No mom, you're only saying that `cause you're my mom. Of course you think that."
"No way they're really pretty!"
I really miss it. I miss the way she'd compliment me when I supposedly looked nice.
"Oh my Sarah, you look so beautiful! You look so good in that!"
"You're the prettiest girl in the whole wide world!"
Who else would say this to me but my mother.
I'm pretty used to her absence by now. But it's still hard to grasp. It's still hard to believe. Especially after I think about the memories, her face, the conversations, experiences. I then wake myself up and realize I'll never see her again.
What hurts me the most, is how I always neglected her. Never giving her the quality time she ached for with her favorite and only child and daughter. Even through the 2 years of battling with the deadly disease and chemotherapy, I knew deep inside I should stay home and keep her company. I even delayed going to my dream school for a year to stay home and commute to a nearby school to take care of her. Only I ended up making more plans with friends, coming home late, leaving her empty and alone in the house everyday.
I never helped her once.
I wasn't there for her when she was probably feeling lonely, wanting company.
I wasn't there for her when she threw up all day.
Though she was fragile and sick, she managed to cook and provide dinner, clean the house, drive herself to chemotherapy.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have a daughter like me. She always mentioned that I never spend time with her and how I'd leaving everything I was doing to make time for a friend. What a jerk I am. How empty the house must have felt without my presence there with her. I don't know why she loved me so much.
If I could change the hands of time, I'd drop the world and spend every minute I could with her.
She longed for a relationship with me, to have mother to daughter talks, asked questions. I'd just shrug my shoulders and moaned in annoyance when she kept talking. Who does that? She longed for heart to heart talks but I shut her out. Not because I hated her, nor a bad relationship. We got a long great and I loved her dearly.
My heart is weighed by the guilt of my selfishness and lack of maturity. The lack of serving her, the lack of expressing my love to her whether with words or by actions. I will forever be scarred in my heart for never being the good daughter I should have been. A forgiveness that is redeemable by God, but never to myself.
Sigh.
If only.
It's always the matter of "If onlys."
This guilt soaks my face with tears, my pillow wet.
People think I've moved on. They forgot the tragedy. Of course they should. My silly character and over excitement proves to the world that I am strong, I've let go and embraced the past. Little do they know that I still think of her daily, my heart still heavy with guilt, hurt, brokenness. Missing her. My heart crying for her.
Mom. A word that will no longer be on the tips of my tongue. A word, name, a figure no other woman will be able to replace in the future.
I just want my mommy back is all.
If only.
-S.k
"No Sarah, they're beautiful!"
"No mom, you're only saying that `cause you're my mom. Of course you think that."
"No way they're really pretty!"
I really miss it. I miss the way she'd compliment me when I supposedly looked nice.
"Oh my Sarah, you look so beautiful! You look so good in that!"
"You're the prettiest girl in the whole wide world!"
Who else would say this to me but my mother.
I'm pretty used to her absence by now. But it's still hard to grasp. It's still hard to believe. Especially after I think about the memories, her face, the conversations, experiences. I then wake myself up and realize I'll never see her again.
What hurts me the most, is how I always neglected her. Never giving her the quality time she ached for with her favorite and only child and daughter. Even through the 2 years of battling with the deadly disease and chemotherapy, I knew deep inside I should stay home and keep her company. I even delayed going to my dream school for a year to stay home and commute to a nearby school to take care of her. Only I ended up making more plans with friends, coming home late, leaving her empty and alone in the house everyday.
I never helped her once.
I wasn't there for her when she was probably feeling lonely, wanting company.
I wasn't there for her when she threw up all day.
Though she was fragile and sick, she managed to cook and provide dinner, clean the house, drive herself to chemotherapy.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have a daughter like me. She always mentioned that I never spend time with her and how I'd leaving everything I was doing to make time for a friend. What a jerk I am. How empty the house must have felt without my presence there with her. I don't know why she loved me so much.
If I could change the hands of time, I'd drop the world and spend every minute I could with her.
She longed for a relationship with me, to have mother to daughter talks, asked questions. I'd just shrug my shoulders and moaned in annoyance when she kept talking. Who does that? She longed for heart to heart talks but I shut her out. Not because I hated her, nor a bad relationship. We got a long great and I loved her dearly.
My heart is weighed by the guilt of my selfishness and lack of maturity. The lack of serving her, the lack of expressing my love to her whether with words or by actions. I will forever be scarred in my heart for never being the good daughter I should have been. A forgiveness that is redeemable by God, but never to myself.
Sigh.
If only.
It's always the matter of "If onlys."
This guilt soaks my face with tears, my pillow wet.
People think I've moved on. They forgot the tragedy. Of course they should. My silly character and over excitement proves to the world that I am strong, I've let go and embraced the past. Little do they know that I still think of her daily, my heart still heavy with guilt, hurt, brokenness. Missing her. My heart crying for her.
Mom. A word that will no longer be on the tips of my tongue. A word, name, a figure no other woman will be able to replace in the future.
I just want my mommy back is all.
If only.
-S.k
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