Just alone, again

it's not fair.
i befriended a guy. who is not "a christian."
being "a christian," i wanted to reach out to him. i saw so much potential in him to love god.
he loves information, thirsts for answers. so bright and intelligent. he is hungry for information on anything. the way he talks about music, life, nature.
we started hanging out and talking a bit. just a bit.
we would engage in deep conversations all the time. he is deep. i am deep.

then few nights ago he told me he liked me by accident. (i'm not sure if he was high.. or intoxicated..). honestly it caught me by surprise. i think he just started to.
he asked about my feelings. and i was honest with my answer, "you never crossed my mind, nor do i think i will ever in the future." i was nice about it.

and it's not fair.
i cherish him as a friend a lot.
but he's been avoiding my calls and texts.
but it's nothing serious, he said it's just a crush.
why is he avoiding me then?
it hurts.
it's not fair.
i'm not sure how "rejected" he feels.
he's a real nice fella, so him avoiding me makes me feel more like crap.
it's not fair.
is he ever gonna come around again?
i miss his friendship.

i feel so alone.
good friends betrayed me.
and i have no one.
he was at least something. just a little something to look forward to.

shoot, this sucks.

life sucks huh, but life is still beautiful i guess!!!

ohhh deary
i'm feelin it again
i hate myself
eveyrthing about me
i feel uninspired with music
my music sucks
it's so boring

life is hard
ohhh is it hard!
and not for stoopid problems
but like SIA says, "some plp have real problems!!!"
and heck, i am your epitome of just that.

baggage
lots of it
what to do, i have noo idEaaa
just soak it and keep on walkin
but ohh i'm not sure i can keep up with the pace
i keep it quiet,bite my tongue
repress the tears to feel macho
am i bein real? what is real anyway?

oh dear my
god, help me survive this
this cruel battle/battles
help me to come out of this in victory

and all i can say at times like this is
ohhhhhhhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

chasing circle

i know this is unfair
and i'm not trying to look down on anyone in particular

but sometimes, it's so frustrating talking to some people
some ppl seem to just lack emotion, empathy,
they don't know how to carry a deep conversation,
they don't have the ability to listen, to relate

and sometimes, i confide, hoping maybe they'll be a listening ear
understand
but really i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall with the information bouncing back to me.

or maybe i just have high expectations
maybe i just want ppl to give back the same love, same affection that i try so hard to do for people
friendship isn't a `you give me, i give you' kinda deal,
but when you're always the one giving and giving away, your mind, your soul, your heart,
isn't it only fair that they at least put the little effort into it too? so i'm not just sitting here my heart turning bitter cold and alone? that maybe i want to know what it's like to feel appreciated? loved?

i feel this way with chicago. why is it that this place gives me nothing but cold weather and shallow friendships?
for some people, they love their friendships [though it's shallow]. it doesn't seem to bother them cuz they have this circle of friends. some people are satisfied. what about people like me? who don't care about gossiping, the status of their friendships, who don't give a dmn about posting 573845 pictures of you and your friends on facebook, who wants to find that core in a friendship, develop something deeper? i would trade ALLLL the friends i had in the world for just a few that i can call any day, bum together, sit together in silence and be okay with it, have a sizzling convo about life, god, good stuff.
i feel like such a roamer. who bounces from one group to another.

i had the grand opportunity to taste a bit of genuine affection and friendship at calvin. i was able to find even more at greenville. and i still proudly keep in touch with them. what is it about chicago? is it me? did i screw up?
and i watch everyone as they post away pictures of their lives at college, their bajillion friends that seem to make them secure and happy. crowded pictures, all smiles, convincing the observer that they are popular and content as long as these plp are in it with them. are you really happy? or do you feel the same?

chicago holds nothing for me.
nothing but bitter pasts and disappointing people.
everyone here is so sheltered and afraid to be independent.
i want to explore, venture out on my own. struggle, learn to survive on my own in the east coast.
maybe the west. maybe out of the country.
i'm ready.

this post wasn't aimed at anyone in particular.. . .
just some personal thoughts that were tugging at my heart forever.
but since nobody reads my blogs anyway, i have the freedom to not shy away at such a
blog. bwuahaha. .. .

first attempt at a goth poem

screw rhyming and lines and structures and rules


beneath this layer of soft golden skin
lies a heart
that's been stolen and bruised
the once vibrant shade of rose is now
a charcoal grey with tiny specks of pink
those drowning specks look for each other
there's not much time left
they stretch their arms out toward one another
trying to spread any color left over
to try and save this dying heart
and while the demons of the heart fight with the few but hopeful specks

these twinkling eyes carry a deep deep dark secret
that is being drowned by the callouses of the heart
and every time the mind plays the repressing games
the heart shrinks even tighter and smaller

don't let these eyes fool you
they're screaming for your attention
for you to understand and to listen to the stories of a broken heart
desperate for love
dying for peace

this is my dying heart
this is my war
this is the blood in me screaming for liberty

and no one can set me free
except for myself:

the single most important ingredient to healing the soul

all it takes is a cup of forgiveness

poems

Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
--------------

Mirror by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful --
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

What does it take

this one's dedicated to you jerkface.

What does it take
(c) 2007

I met a guy who treated me differently than everyone else
said I was special, that i was somethin else
I fell in love with him, thought we shared a future
He said he felt the same way
but couldn’t love me anymore

What does it take to fall out of love
How long will it take for this heartache to end
How many times will I have to hear you say, I’m sorry I can’t love you this way


How long before I meet someone else to wipe away my tears
To tell me I’m beautiful, that everything will be okay
To love me and be by my side, to share a life with

What does it take
to heal a broken heart


Girl it breaks my heart to see you this way
I still love you but in a different way
Please know I never meant to hurt you B
It’s just as hard for me to see you this way


This is my prayer, that I may find peace
But until time restores my heart this is my cry

Let's take a walk on the darkside.

He woke up with piss and crp everywhere, all over him. The aroma only reminded him of what he's just tried to do. For some reason, God still wanted him alive. I can't even imagine what it must have felt like, waking up three days later, soaked in dried urination and crp, the smell, the coldness, the darkness, most of all, being ALONE. And worst, having no one know and realize what had just happened. 20 Tylenol pills obviously wasn't enough, perhaps he should have tried harder.

Again, alone, feeling the wrath of darkness tightening it's embrace around his heart, he buys a 40 oz. pack of beers. As he gets in the car, he screws off the top off one bottle and lets the beer drown his throat, all the while one hand on the wheel. The one bottle becomes a second, a third, fourth, a fifth. He drives around campus and starts yelling out the window to the people walking by. "Fck you, mother fckers!!!" People just stare back with a look of surprise and pity. He was jealous, angry at these people he's never met. Jaelous for their happiness, bitter at their carefree lives. One hand on wheel and the other on his drink, he proceeds: his destination tonight is to drink like a mother fcker and die like one. He gets on the highway and by this time he's swerving left to right, angry bitter tears running down his face. By now, he's slit his wrists bloody. Blinded by tears, he continues to swerve. Intoxicated? Driving? He doesn't care. He has nothing to lose. He doesn't think about the other people he is putting in danger for his selfish acts. His mission tonight is to die and if that means drinking and wreckless driving, let it be done.
Suddenly the car behind him starts honking at him, trying to get his attention. It repeatedly honks and the driver pulls to the side of his car telling him to pull over. For some reason, he listens. He pulls over and the driver comes out of the car. The crazy one steps out of his car too. "Look, I have no idea what you're going through, but PLEASE, don't kill yourself tonight. Sober up, and just go home." And the crazy driver is silent. He's just crying hysterically now. Drenched with tears, the stench of alcohol penetrating the air, he's just a baby now.
The driver left and the crazy one just stood still for ten minutes then got back into his car.

Is there something not ironic about this? Obviously there is a greater power out there that still wants to protect him. Why? I don't know why. He's pulled many of these attempts yet he fails each time. Is it just a mere coincidence or God in the working? I'm still in awe and disbelief, blessed with the man who had enough courage to pull the drunk aside. He was fully aware that by doing so, he was putting himself in great risk; this drunk can be some violent man who'll just rage against him, attack him. Yet, he had the nerve and heart to pull him aside. To me, that's something. That's an angel. I'd like to believe that.

Well, that crazy driver, the foolish one behind all these stunts, that's my friend. He visited me this weekend. I met him while I was at Calvin College my freshman year. I'll tell ya, his three days here with me in Greenville was the best I've had in a really long time. No, no romantic feelings attached at all. All we did this weekend was talk. Talk before bed,talk in car, talk walking, talk sitting, talk eating. Talk, talk, talk. I have a lot of good guy friends who I can really relate to and have deep intimate relationships with. But it felt different. I just felt this connection, we were able to relate to each other in a way I can't even describe. After he left, I felt an immediate mellowness. I realized that I spent the whole weekend laughing. And I realized, hey, wow. I haven't laughed in a long time. Not those simple "haha's" in response to something. I'm talkin, "hahahah, hahaha, hahaha." And after he was gone it felt weird. I was alone and quiet again. I wasn't laughing at something. I almost felt depressed. As the day went on I felt more mellow and more down. Why was that? I guess I just truly cherished the moment we shared, that intimacy I've been craving for with him I finally got. And then he vanished.

We were never that close, but it was one of those "Oh, I really like this guy, I want to reach out to him, a deeper relationship." The first time I met him was at the church lock-in. We were all gathered around sitting in a circle doing/talking about something I don't remember, when in walked let's call him... "Sam. He walked in mumbling something random and went into the next room. It was nothing unusual or weird, suspicious, but I guess something was wrong because one of the guys got up and went to him. Immediately I felt something was not right. And I know I was the only one in the room who sensed that something was not right. Everyone else was oblivious to it.
Later, after the night was over I found in a dark corner of some steps. His head down on his hands, the only thing I felt right then was a wave of compassion and love for him, as well as sorrow. I made my way towards him, and introduced myself (according to him). I must have said something right though `cause to this day, he tells me how I've shown him love. That my reaching out to him really affected him. The only thing I remember saying to him at the time was something like, "Blabla, I don't know what you're going through, but...God...blablala."
He told me at first he was like, ok, who the heck is this girl, and thought he would get angry, cause normally he would. But with me, it felt different. He really appreciated it. And I'm just so thankful that I was able to be at least that little of a light to him that night.

All weekend he said such flattering things. "You're such a good person."
Remember that night you first talked to me? You were an angel."
"That night." Referring to the lock-in. He was depressed. He was drunk when he made that entrance to the church. It wasn't until this past year I really learned of his past. He's been depressed his whole life-manic depression to be more specific. Manic depression makes him crazy. Ups and downs with all sorts of crazyness. Suicidal attempts, snaps, etc, etc. And it wasn't until `bout half year ago he found out that he was bipolar. Poor child. You know, when one is depressed, people always do the "It's your choice to be sad or happy. It's what you make of life. You're only depressed cuz you spend so much time self-absorbed focusing on all the negative aspects of life." Honestly, that is how I see it and still do to a certain point. But I still believe that it's unfair. Why did God create something like depression? This sick mental disease. Many people overlook depression as something they should just get over with. But it's more than that. It's as much of a disease as leukiemia or cancer. Depression can kill you. It's not fair one feels a constant darkness that he can't pull himself out of. Sure, with God to hold on to and trust one can pull himself right outta that hole. Sure sure miracles, but of course, with God anything is possible. It's still not fair. It's not that easy. What a horrid illness. To want that happiness, hopeless, and not being able to find it.

It makes me sad. That one must go through this. It's the worst feeling, dealing with all this especially alone. I know. I was once depressed. Not "in depression because something triggered it depressed" but "depression." I'm one of the few lucky ones because God has miraculously healed me from this sickness that none knew about. That doesn't mean I don't get depressed. I still can get depressed but only if I have a reason to be. Depression. It really does suck. You feel so invisible, tiny, hopeless, desperate for happiness. Suicide is your cousin and you think of ways to accomplish this evil task.

I don't really know the point of this blog.
All I know, is that I will always have "Sam" in the back of my mind, worrying about his safety, his well-being. Will he ever make it? Fight and fight and finally conquer this sick deathly illness that drives many to suicide? Will he be the few and proud to make it? I guess I will never know. Only the future does. And that's something we shouldn't always dwell on. That itself can be an obsession.

Well, I guess I'll leave it at there for tonight. Oh beloved world, my heart aches and goes out to all those that are hurting. I ache with you. I mourne with you. I wish there was a way that I could reach out to each and everyone of you. But I can't. I just can't. May you all find the peace you've been desperately aching for.